Maybe i made senior year to be something out of a movie or maybe my first day really did suck.
School starts in about 3 hours and i haven’t slept since about 7 pm. My mind is going crazy of what the first few minutes are going to be like. Am i going to run into my friends? Will i have any classes with people i actually like? Will i even like my teachers at all? These are the questions rattling through my head. It sucks a lot that i don’t have my phone because it makes me that much more lost. I feel so weird and out of place being back home that going to school again with everyone makes it that much more weird. It still doesn’t feel like I’m home. I feel like home is Mexico and this is just an awkward stay at a really nice hotel in the middle of suburbia. I don’t really know what else to think besides just smile and not give a damn what people think. I have been doing so well to not care all summer that i really want to keep it up during school. I guess being strong was easier when the problems weren’t even near you. I hope today is okay. As much as i don’t want to admit it, i kind of hope i see a friend.
I have to say that this summer has been the most important to my life. I started out completely different from how i ended it. It had the cruelest reality checks I’ve ever experienced. It had the hardest goodbyes. It had a lot of me taken away. Thankfully though, it was replaced by the person I’ve been wanting to be. I wont ever get the old me back, but in a way, I’m glad i didn’t. The old me was too foolish and to gullible to make it through life. The old me caused my life to turn into the mess it was. But i guess if i think about it better, the old me wasn’t really me. So i guess that’s why I’m glad she’s gone. The person i am today is happy. That’s all i have wanted for myself. And i know its foolish to think that i already have what i want out of life. I am only 17 with 4 months left to hit legal age and a world out there waiting to break me down once again. But I’m ready for it. They say you’re never ready for the real world…that it just hits you and it hits you hard. But I’m ready to have my heart broken a couple more times. I’m ready to take on more cruel reality checks. I’m ready to come home.
My summer ends officially tonight because tomorrow is the long trip back home and then school starts the next morning. I have to say that coming to Mexico for as long as i did and at the time i did was the perfect thing for me. I guess it was the cure to the all the problems in my life. I have to say that just getting away from every person that had caused me pain and coming around people that just want to see me happy and smile…well it made me smile one again without any more reason but that im simply happy. I no longer smile so the people that dont like me can feel bad for what they did. I no longer smile to ignore all the bad memories in my head. All of that is a bonus because i honestly just smile because im happy. Im going back to Longview with intentions to keep this person that i am now for the rest of my life. Im ready to start my senior year and if that means that i might start it alone or with very few friends…well thats okay because it with the people i know are going to make my senior year the best year of high school. So i thank God for this summer that has inspired myself again. It was everything i needed. It was a hell of a start with all the reality checks i needed in order to be this happy but it was honestly what i needed.
I keep going back there. I keep having the same bad dream over and over. I keep waking up with tears in my eyes feeling helpless. My hands in fists and my hands up protecting me from what is now only scars. I guess i didnt realize how much that hurt and how much it scared me untill the nightmares started to happen. I start shaking and my heart starts racing when i remember it. And for some reason, i remember it quite often.
Is it my heart and mind telling me im not ready for anything?..or anyone? I keep thinking that im going to have to go back in less than a week and im honestly a little bit more frightened than excited. Its a sudden chill that comes over my body after the excitement. Something that reminds me that seeing everyone again also means seeing him. I guess being so strong was easier when it was all so far away.
Being here in Mexico as long as i have has made me reflect on my life in Longview. Maybe its not because I’m in Mexico but because I’m finally away from Longview and all the drama that came with being there. Ive been avoiding people and dramatic situations. Being away for this long has made me reflect and really think these situations that life has brought my way.
First problem, the fact that most of my friends have turned out to be untruthful and untrusting. Some of the people that i trusted with my life most of the time seemed to not even care about me or whether i was even happy. But i think i kind of took care of that right before i left. I have come to realize more as I’m over here in Mexico that i don’t even care when family likes me or not…so why should i care if someone that isn’t my own flesh and blood doesn’t like me? Simple answer. I shouldn’t. And i don’t. Were going to have to get use to going through some of life alone…and I’m okay with doing that already because most of my life has been like that anyway.
Second problem, it has been an ongoing battle with my ex that you would think we filled for a legal divorce. It has been fighting non stop rumors that started when we were still together. And because of that, now i feel like i need to avoid certain places so i can avoid certain people. I’m scared of confrontation. Considering the fact that our entire relationship consisted of avoiding confrontation through forced quietness…i guess I’m just use to it. Since i have been over here. Well i decided that the first problem also has to do with this problem as well. I’m not going to take time to accommodate his family to never having to see me again. I’m simply (to put in blunt form) not going to give a damn. I’m no longer really mad for the way things happened and the way we were because I’m not going to live in my past that way. I have decided to live my life the way i wish i would have spent it…happy.
And the third problem, I’m done making myself to be the victim and using the words shouldve, wouldve, couldve. They no longer exist in my vocabulary. Yes, the things i have been through, i wouldnt even wish them on the most narcissistic girl out there. Im still not ready to talk about it openly for the sake of not causing myself more shamefulness and embarrassment. Im simply going to take them as lessons of life and move on. Because in life, that’s all you can really do is just move on. Life keeps going and if you dwell on the past, well, happiness will never come your way.
My life now consist of strength, confidence and privacy. I have gained the strength to know that i won’t be liked by everyone and I’m perfectly fine with that. I have gotten the courage to never go back to a relationship that threw poison in my life. And i have learned that being private is really the correct way to live, and i don’t mean secretive, but private (there is a difference). I know because out of the lessons i have learned so far…i also gained wisdom. The wisdom to reflect on my problematic situations and rewire my life to be beautiful, and most of all, happy.
It would be a lie if i said that i regret being with you at all. You gave me some amazing memories. Some i never want to let go of because they were that special and made me the happiest i had ever been in my life. Other memories that now scar me for the rest of my life. Most importantly, all those memories, good or bad, have made me the lady i am now. I have learned lessons that i know are going to keep me away from pain. Considering how much you caused me…i also know how much to expect. How much pain comes with being in a relationship again. I thanks you either way. I thank you for all the happy times and all the sad times. The happy times have put you on a high pedestal that now every man will be compared to. If they can me as happy as you were able to in the time we were together. If they can remake that first summer for me. The only summer we were actually in love. But mostly the sad times that have turned me into a stone. Emotionally and physically. You have taught me that all happiness has to come to an end, a cruel and hurtful end. You have taught me that no one is capable of holding in their anger. You have made me aware of the pain that can be felt when you are in love. You made me who i am now and i prefer the person that i am now than that foolish girl that was so naive as to fall in love with a coward like you.
I’m not going to sit here and say i never made my mistakes in our relationship. I messed up and i tried every time to fix it. That’s the difference between you and me. I never stopped fighting. I never wanted to give up. Then again, a person can only put so much effort and so much fight into something before their heart and mind just give up.
You never wanted to admit you were wrong. You never wanted to admit when you made a mistake. You always had an excuse. You ran away the second things weren’t perfect. You gave up too soon and too quickly. All of a sudden, you realize that its something you actually want. You realize that she was actually there for you when no one else was. Now you want to fight.
Well, no. It doesn’t work that way. Now she decides that she deserves better. Now she wants someone who isn’t going to make her cry. Now she wants someone who sees how much shes worth.
And now you go off telling everyone everything she did and you think she did. You’re the victim. You’re the only one who got hurt. So it’s okay for everyone to call her a whore because she realized she wasn’t one. Its okay for people to call her a bitch because she had finally decided she was done with your abuse and moved on. Its okay for her to cry every night because she cant take what did anymore.
No its not okay. Why don’t you tell them everything? Tell them how you talked to other girls. Tell them how you would leave her to drink with your friends. Tell them how you got when you were drunk. Tell them how you forced her to do things because you were drunk. Tell them how you would hit her when you would get mad. Tell them about the first night you hit her and left her completely alone.
Tell them. Tell them everything.
She light up that night with a mind full of problems and eyes full of painful tears. She had been living a life of pretend. She wasn’t happy and she couldn’t keep playing the role of perfect daughter. When the summer heat grazed her skin, well it ended her doubts. She was about to turn to complete rebellion for some happiness. She knew that life wasn’t going to ever be the same and that some hearts were going to brake…but as long as it was no longer going to be hers. She was willing to sacrifice anyone and anything for her happiness. She learned from her mom that when you want something then you have to fight for it. There goes her fight. Her war from the world. Every time she started feeling closer to it…she felt it get torn away and further. But this time she was going to fight the fight the battle till it ended all wars. She was going to do anything it took to finally have her happiness.
I sometimes feel that my life has changed too much. I maybe overdosed on the whole “new me, new life”. I pushed too hard to have everyone realize im not the same person but in a way i kind of lost sight of the person i wanted the to realize that i was. I tried to hard to be the strong loner that didnt need anyone. Not saying that i cant survive without someone but everyone needs someone to listen to them after a while. I had someone tell me today that it seems like i could loose everyone and i would be okay. Talk about a reality check huh? It made me think of all the people that i talk to everyday and how weird life would be if i go from them their with me all the time and knowing that if i need them, there they are…to all of a sudden, im completely alone. I not only got a greater appreciation for those people but i realized im not as strong as i think i am. None of us are. I think we fool ourselves into believing that we can just stride on through life completely alone. We all need someone their to take that walk with us.